Degen

This one is a take on the Himmel story. And with this, suddenly we have a trilogy. haha! :)

I am twelve. There is blood everywhere. The edges of my vision shimmer, and the sky is where the earth should be. I have never fainted, but there is about to be a first time. Blood drips from my hands, soaks my gown. Not my blood. My own blood is thunder in my ears, mercifully drowning out some of Mika’s cries. Suddenly a pair of boots. My frantic mind randomly notes the thick caked mud on the soles. He kneels by my little brother and rips away the cloth around his broken, shredded ankle, revealing the spiked trap into which he has stepped.

He gently places both hands on Mika, quietly speaking a few words, and that is when it happens. Mika’s screams subside to quiet whimpers, and his tortured body falls slack with relief. A stark calm washes over me, trickling down to my very bones, like water flowing down a stone fountain. A single word spoken to my mind. Peace. “Peace,” I repeat aloud, and he turns in surprise, as though he has forgotten I was there. I look into the face of Himmel. The most beautiful boy I have ever seen. That is, until about ten seconds later, when Erde appears over his shoulder. Erde is as darkly handsome as Himmel is fair. His face is not cruel; never that, but in that moment somehow less kind.

Erde is all fluid, powerful motion. In the time it takes me to register his presence, he has removed the sash from his tunic, and is binding my brother’s ankle and lifting him onto his horse. I expect Mika to be thrashing with pain, but it is as though the calm has washed over him as well, and Himmel keeps a firm, gentle hand on his arm until Erde has situated him in the saddle. I know in this moment that my life has changed forever.

My carefree days of roaming the beautiful countryside looking for childhood adventure are numbered, but before they slip away entirely, I have time to fall completely, irrevocably in love. With both my boys. My princes. Prince Himmel, sixteen summers old, and Crown Prince Erde, only six minutes his elder brother, two different facets of the same flawless gem. We ramble through the kingdom together until the leaves begin to fall and the air begins to chill and I begin to outgrow childhood. Erde has the heart of a warrior, and teaches me to fight with my fists and with a sword. That is the one thing Himmel cannot bear to watch. He is strong too, but has the heart of a priest, and from the first day we met, can share thoughts, feelings and ideas with me, without even speaking a word. They are united in their adoration of me, and their fierce devotion to each other. If I could choose, I would not marry either of them, so that we may stay forever like this.

I am seventeen. I am old enough to be a bride. Old enough to wear a crown. Old enough to bear children and rule a kingdom. Old enough to know a broken heart when I feel it. I walk down the aisle in the most beautiful lace made in the kingdom. I can smell the jasmine I carry in my hands. I look ahead, and there are my boys. Sun pours unrestrained through a cathedral window behind them, and makes a halo of Himmel’s fair hair. His hand is on Erde’s shoulder in a gesture of love and loyalty. I feel ecstatic looking on the one, and then a crushing pain in my heart and stomach when my eyes find the other. My choice breaks three hearts. But there never really was a choice. I know it. Erde knows it. Himmel most tragically knows it. I could never be permitted to marry a prince, if I can marry a crown prince.

Piercing through my love for Erde, I feel Himmel speaking to my mind. I am the happiest, saddest bride. Send me peace and love, I beg him. Instead of peace, there is determination. Duty and honor. Yes, love. But in place of peace, unutterable sadness. Today I marry the king, and lose my best friend. I look on Himmel for the last time. Surely he knows that his self-imposed exile can never banish me from his dreams, or him from mine.

I am twenty-nine. I am a wife and a warrior. A mother and a queen. Today is a day of mixed blessings. Mentor Day for Hans. I am as proud of my strong son as any mother could be. I have looked forward to this day, but it is marred by terrible discord, and what should be a joyful day is also one of inexpressible loss. My husband is not safe, nor his throne. We have no one to trust. A boy should remain with his family for years during mentoring, but for his safety, this day we send our only son out into the world with his mentor, maybe never to reunite with us again in this life. I only pray that the warrior Erde has chosen will be brave enough, strong enough and clever enough to be not only the teacher, but the father, that Hans will need.

I stand at the mirror, braiding my own hair. The king believes that even a simple chambermaid might be able to do me harm. I secretly smile a little at this. After all these years, Erde still underestimates me at times. I feel the dagger I have secured in my gown, glad that I have continued to hone the battle skills he began to teach me so many years ago. I have defended myself and my child more than once, and I remain more alert and vigilant than anyone ever realizes.

Last night as usual, I dreamed of Himmel. Sometimes I think I have lived a second lifetime through my dreams of him. Battles. Wounds. Rescues and quests. Last night for what seemed like hours I rode with him at breakneck speed through dark and rain. I sensed in him some sort of excitement as we pushed our horses to the edge of their stamina. Anticipation, maybe. Also foreboding and dread. Absently, my finger lightly traces a path from my cheekbone to my chin, mirroring one of Himmel’s scars I imagine in my dreams sometimes. I focus back on my own smooth skin, shake off the thought of it and lace the bodice of my gown. Today everything changes. Again. I place a diadem atop my braided hair, and weave pins through to secure it. Courage, I think to myself.

It feels strange to move through the castle without attendants. Some are dead, even dispatched by my own dagger. Some ran away, whether out of fear or shame I am unsure. Others we freed so that they might keep their own families safe from this conflict. Still, as I climb the steps to the wing which until today has been the nursery wing, I feel almost self-conscious dragging my long skirts behind me and try not to even glance at the contingent of guards that lines the halls.

No servants even here, I mused, as I slipped quietly into the nursery wing. I should have known Hans would be too excited to keep us waiting. He paced in the entryway, occasionally punching the air with a fist, as though having some unseen battle, which he was clearly winning. “Mother!” he said in an exuberant almost-shout. He was dressed for traveling in nondescript clothing and a warm cloak. “Have you seen him? Is he here?” I didn’t even have to ask. Hans was practically jumping out of his skin, he was so thrilled to meet this mentor, who had already achieved hero status in his mind. 

“Not yet,” I replied as calmly as I could, “and you should probably try to pretend to be a little more reluctant to be rid of us!” I said with a teasing smile. I found myself nearly tackled to the ground as he threw his arms around me. He has not reached his full stature, and probably won’t for some years. We are almost the same exact height. “I promise to write all the time!” he grins. I know he won’t. Can’t. But I don’t want him to know that his best day is also my worst, so I ruffle his light hair and smile back. As we head to the battle room, I try not to think about him as a lamb to the slaughter.

Two formidable guards stand watch outside the room. I ask them to announce us, and they inform me that the king wishes me to enter alone first. I glance uneasily at Hans, but he seems completely unperturbed, so I nod at the guards, who part and open the double doors before me, each managing to bow as they do so.

I steel myself to meet this mentor. I love him for what he is doing for us. I hate him. I look up, and my heart stops. One beat, two. And it starts again in a mad rush as our eyes meet. Himmel! My spirits soar. Himmel is here. We don’t need to send Hans away with a mentor. Himmel will help us save the kingdom! And then there is the truth of it. Himmel IS the mentor. I am going to lose my son, and lose Himmel all over again too. I wonder how many times a person’s heart can break in a lifetime.

A single word, almost whispered into my mind. Peace.

He manages the smallest hint of a smile, so I do too. My son is about to come into the room and meet his “mentor.” He can never know it is his uncle. The only thing I can do is take this moment and drink in the sight. I touch my cheek as I see the scar, one of many, that mars Himmel’s face. There is a touch of gold stubble on his shaven head. He is terrible and beautiful. I send a single word, in case he can read my mind. Love.

There they are, my two boys. The priest and the warrior, and they have each become both. Himmel and Erde, my Heaven and Earth. And I am Degen, the sword that cut them apart.